


Broken

by xRYDERx



Series: Brothers In Arms [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Am I doing this right?, Cripple Tav, Humanstuck, Nitram Bros, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 03:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xRYDERx/pseuds/xRYDERx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros has dreams he can fly. Sometimes they're so vivid he forgets that they're only dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just in a despondent state and I can't get out. Sadstuck it is -pouts-

He smiles in his sleep, sighing and murmuring soft, joyful nothings. It's adorable, and really you're glad that he can enjoy himself for a while, even if it is only in his dreams.

 

Your name is Rufioh Nitram and you feel absolutely lost.

 

Everything in your life is broken. You want to fix him, fix your life. You want to be a better brother, a better guardian.

But you can't. And that's the worst part.

 

You force yourself to breathe calmly and step away from your brother's door, checking once again that he's sleeping peacefully and his door remains open.

 

The sight of the youth shatters something inside you. The cracks of your sanity work from the edges down deep into your core. The line between reality and nightmares seem to be blurred. Like someone’s come along and just smeared it with their hand. Soon, very soon, you may not be able to take much more.

 

Just the thought of being responsible for another life frightens you; Strikes a chord that plays low and menacing. You want to mute the repetitive tone. The sound of a crash, screaming, silence. You want to mute the silence because it’s so strident, so deafening you can’t hear yourself fucking think. You can’t hear yourself think. And that’s the only thing you want to do. It’s the only thing you should be doing.

 

The whole point of waking up was to use the bathroom. It’ll be hours before the sun rises and you don’t want to be awake for that. You just want to piss and then slip back into your slumber where a strange golden planet awaits your return.

 

After washing your hands you exit the restroom and head back down the hall. You made damn sure Tavros’s room was the one with the bathroom attached so he wouldn’t have to travel far so he is at the end of the hall. Your door is only a few steps away. Yawning, you reach for the doorknob and wipe a tear away with the back of your hand.

 

It’s quiet, you realize. Much too quiet.

 

Tav has always been a pretty noisy dreamer. Not annoyingly so, but you’ve always been able to hear his childish giggles and the occasional exclamation of bliss when his dream self takes off and takes wing. But you don’t hear that now. There is no laughter, no sighing, no “Fly, Tav. Fly!” He’s usually only quiet when his subconscious senses another presence beside him. When you were younger you’d sleep in the same bed occasionally despite the age gap. It was fun and calming.

 

But there isn’t anyone else in the house. He should be making noises. You should be hearing his nonsensical jovial whispers. His room isn’t very far from yours.

 

Then the silence is shattered. The illusion that maybe you dreamt everything is fractured.

 

You hear a whimper, poorly concealed whimper and the shuffling of clothes.

 

“Tav,” your hoarse voice calls out into the darkness.

 

“Uhh yeah?” he responds. There’s something off about the way he sounds.

 

“You okay?” you ask, taking a step in his direction.

 

“I-I’m fine! Don’t worry about me, j-just go back to bed.”

 

He doesn’t sound very reassuring and after only a second of hesitation a sob escapes. You force open your door, taking hold of the baseball bat beside the door and charge into Tav’s room. Scanning the room takes a few seconds beneath the cover of light but you see no one. Which is good. But you realize Tav isn’t on his bed.

 

Your eyes dart to his form, huddled on the ground beside his knocked over wheelchair. The light from his bathroom, which you always leave on, casts a glow over him. His eyes are clearly red and swollen, still damp from tears. The back of his black orange sleeve is moist from the tears you assume he’s wiped away. You take a step forward when his shoulders begin to shake and he bites his lower lip to keep from weeping loudly.

 

“Tav, what’s wro-“ your silenced. Not by the volume of his escaped sob or his protests to keep away, but the soggy carpet beneath your feet. It dawns on you then and you begin to put the pieces together. The tangled sheets hanging from the bed, the knocked over four wheeled device, his position on the ground. “Fuck.”

 

He shrinks back, dead legs useless as he tries to scurry away. Man, do you feel dumb. And what’s worse, you’ve scared him.

 

“No, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean fuck you, just… Fuck,” you shake your head at yourself as you take in his wide, frightened eyes. “Tav, it’s okay,” you coo in what you think is a comforting manner.

 

It’s obvious he’s scared so you kneel to his eyelevel, indifferent to the yellow liquid that’s bound to stain the brown carpet. His fluids are the last thing on your mind. You’d rather make sure your brother is okay. You’re just spit balling in your think pan, but you’d assume waking up from flying, only to remember he can’t even walk and then missing his chair and falling, only to piss himself before making it to the toilet would be pretty traumatizing.

 

“Tav, it’s okay,” you repeat softly. He flinches when you reach out to ruffle his Mohawk, afraid you’ll strike him for misbehaving. You just get closer and wrap your arms around him, ignoring his flinch and holding him close. Carefully you caress his back and squeeze the back of his neck. He used to like that. Now that you’ve finally got him leaning into you he isn’t holding back his tears or voice. He begins apologizing to you, which is stupid. “You don’t have to apologize, Tavros. I can clean the stupid carpet. It isn’t your fault.”

 

“B-but it is!” he argues, fingers clutching to your shirt. “If I wasn’t like this-I could just get up and walk-“

 

“Stop right there,” you say roughly, pulling him away. He’s frightened again but you have to get it out before he shuts down completely. “None of this is your fault. The chair, mom and dad, stop blaming yourself. It was that drunk drivers fault, not yours. You are 13, do you hear me? You didn’t cause the accident, you weren’t responsible for any of that. Do you understand me?”

 

He simply nods and you let him sad against you while stroking the back of his neck. You remain huddled up against one another for a while before you finally decide he’s calmed down enough. It takes a little adjusting but you manage to wind your arms behind his back and under his knees in order to lift him and take him to the bathroom. You place him on the toilet, lid down, and run the bathwater before helping to strip him of his soiled clothing. You make a note to do laundry when you wake up.

 

After the soapy water has risen to your liking you gently place your younger brother in the tub and excuse yourself in order to begin scrubbing the carpet. By the time you’re done it just looks like someone spilled a glass of water.

 

With that taken care of you decide to just hop in the tub with Tav, like when you were younger. He doesn’t comment or even glance at you when you enter the bathroom or the tub. It’s barely big enough for you both but you’re Nitrams. You manage.

 

“Carpets clean,” You say absent mindedly as you begin to scrub your body. You were going to shower in the morning anyway.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbles. You sigh.

 

“I didn’t tell you that so you’d apologize,” you grumble and lean over to pile some bubles on his head. “Stop apologizing already. You’ve been doing that ever since you came home from the hospital.” He opens his mouth to say something but you hold your hand up and groan, “and don’t apologize for apologizing. It’s redundant.”

 

Tavros closes his mouth and sinks further into the tub so his nose is just barely parallel to the bathwater. He’s quiet for the rest of the time and you don’t push him to speak. When you’re both clean you wrap a towel around your waist,run a hand through your dyed hair to wring out some water and fetch your brother’s towel. It’s white with the image of a Fiduspawn host on it. You lift him from the bath, placing him on the edge of the tub and for once he lets you dry him off. With that done you take him back to his bed hwere you’ve laid out a fresh pair of pajamas and exit without another word in order to get yourself dressed as well.

 

When you return twenty minutes later he is slipping his last button into place. Like always, you just assume it was the right thing to do, giving him space that is. You can handle having a little brother. Little brother’s are easy, cute. But he isn’t just your cute lil Tav anymore. He’s your responsibility. Your charge. And you have to take that seriously.

 

No matter if the lines are blurred or the cracks have grown you have to be the one to draw it back in and fix the damages. It’s sooner than you ever imagined but you are a father now. So you have to take charge. You have to be strong. Not for yourself, but for Tavros. Because he can’t be strong now.

 

For the third time in an hour you pluck your brother from his spot, this time heading back to your room.

 

“W-where are we going?” he asks as though it isn’t obvious.

 

“My room,” you respond, nudging the door open with your foot.

 

He doesn’t say anything, just curls into you once you’re both lying down, facing one another. He falls asleep first, you make sure of it, and you let out a heavy sigh.

 

The darkness has taken hold of you both once again. It’s a comfort to be wrapped in its comforting embrace. Sleep welcomes you once more and you readily soar through the golden planet. Tav is flying beside you, wings fluttering, catching the warm glow of the sun. You smile then, heart easing. It’s nice to see him so carefree, so vivacious. You don’t know how long you two have been exploring together but too soon you feel the sun on your face and let your eyes take their time to slowly slide open.

 

Tavros is still asleep. He’s smiling, lips moving with soundless whispers. Before you know it you’re smiling along, nuzzling his Mohawk with your nose and physically relaxing. The small grin remains until you’ve been roused by the bright glare in your eye but you don’t get up to adjust the blinds, you just scotch lower to position yourself better.

 

You don’t need to fix the blinds. There’s no need to fix anything. Sure things may be broken and they may need fixing, but it isn’t what you thought. Now you know what it is that’s been so heavy in your heart. Unlike before you know how to secure the fracture.

**Author's Note:**

> 4 a.m. Totally didn't read through this. good night.


End file.
